Weakness
by DySolo
Summary: LR DB Series. Number 18. While Lila's in California, Spencer has a bad case. Spoilers to 3x12
1. Chapter 1

**Title: Weakness (1 of 2)**  
**Pairing: Lila/Reid**  
**Series Information: 18 of LR DB Section. Following the two parts of Ghost.**  
**Rating: Meh.**  
**Summary: While Lila's in California, Reid has a bad case. (Episode 3rd Life)**  
**Author's Notes: So last night I posted a story, Necessary, while I was very sleepy and I forgot to check what I actually copy and pasted. I swear it was the actual story but…when I checked today it seemed to actually be the second part of Ghost and because I didn't close my laptop before my midterm, my computer updated and restart while I was taking my test, making me lose the ACTUAL story of Necessary. So… instead of rewriting that… we'll just… write something else, I guess.**

**Author's Notes (Part Two): See after chapter.**

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JJ takes him home after the case ends. She's worried about him. He can tell by the way she keeps glancing over at him while she drives. She walks him up to the door, coming in with him. She's silent though. He offers her a drink but she declines and he assumes that she's not going to stay for long. Just wants to make sure he's okay before she goes home and calls Will. She thinks they don't know about that and maybe the other team mates don't, but he sees the smiles she gets when she takes secret phone calls. He knows that look. He gets himself a glass of water before drinking some in the kitchen. He hasn't ate since the scene in the bathroom. He can't bring himself to. He feels nauseous still. He pours out most of the water back into the sink, leaving the glass out in case he decides to re-use it before moving back into the living room.

"I'm going to go to bed. Thank you for driving me home." He says and she nods again. He doesn't see her out, walking to the bedroom. Once the door is closed, he leans against him. Everyone's eyes have been on him since they found him, waiting for him to break or worse. Lila was right. They all knew. They all knew and they were watching him to make sure that he didn't grab a vial of Dilaudid or Morphine or whatever he could get his hands on and shoot it through his veins. It made him sick. He was a federal agent. He had been on this team for almost five years. He could handle someone dying in front of him. He had killed just as many people as everyone else on the team. He had been through things they might not even be able to imagine and survived. He could handle this.

And yet, the images flash through his mind, the boys look on his face before the large gauge bullet slammed through his head. The girl at her father's side, telling him to kill. Kill him, Daddy, Kill him. He had murdered that kid and then they walked away. No justice for the unsub. He didn't say anything like that to his team though. He shouldn't be siding with the bad guys. He shouldn't still mourn the loss of Tobias Hankel, feel the guilt for ending his life. They had both caused damage, hurt people that did nothing to deserve such pain. Buddhists would call it kharma, but he wasn't Buddhist. He was an agent. He was supposed to put the bad people into a system that decided where they should go, It wasn't his place or that father's place to decide their fate. It wasn't up to them to make the life and death decisions unless it _was _a life or death decision. Spencer knew he had to kill Phillip Dowd. He was going to kill him and Hotch, all those people in the ER. He had to kill Charles Hankel's personality in Tobias' body. He had to. He had to, he repeated, trying to make his killings right. Jack Vaughn was not in danger. Lindsey was going to be okay and yet, he had looked at that boy and shot him for nothing but revenge.

He's pulled away from his thoughts at his lover's name.

"I don't know what all he tells you, Lila. It was just a hard case."

There's a pause before JJ explains what happened. Another pause.

"Yeah, I can stay."

Even Lila thinks he's going to go out and use. Wonderful.

JJ laughs. "He would take baths."

He finds himself smiling through his annoyance. Lila knew his habits, his aftercase routine. He tried to push away the anger that he felt from her asking JJ to stay, telling himself that she was worried about him. If she was here, he would be telling her that he did want to use. That he did want to just grab whatever he could and shove in it his arm so he could forget, so he didn't have to think that he had failed another person. She was right to worry. They were all right to worry and the thought made him feel even more disappointed in himself and the craving to use even more strong.

"No, I understand. We all have our thing. I just wanted to call you and let you know that he's safe and we're home. I'm sure he'll call you when he's ready to talk."

He smiles at JJ's words. She knew how important Lila was to him. She had welcomed the woman into their little family, filling her in. He knew that Lila would appreciate it. She worried about him so much. There was always a sound of relief in her voice when she heard that it was him, that he was home. She was scared of losing him. He thought about the look in her eyes at the hospital, the way her voice cracked when she told him she couldn't do this. He had never blamed her for leaving. He had been hurt and angry nut he had understood. He has seen the strains of Hotch and Haley's marriage because of the job. He had seen the tired look in Fran Morgan's eyes. This job took so much out of everyone around them. And yet, she had been there for him, regardless of her fears. Willing to put them aside for them. What did that mean? That she was willing to risk her happiness, her mental health for their relationship. He frowned at the thought. Was he hurting her by making her make such decisions? She had outright told him that she could not handle this and yet, he had continued to call, continue to bring her in because of his own selfishness and problems. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair at all, he realized. But he loved her. She loved him. Did that change things or did that make them worse? If he really loved her as much as he said he did, as much as he knew he did - then how could he continue to do the things he was doing, if he knew she didn't really want them. The thoughts made him sick. He didn't want to think about this anymore. He didn't want to think at all. He just wanted to lay in the bed and sleep until all of his insecurities were gone, all the fears were eased, until everything was just better. But he knew he couldn't sleep. Nightmares would cloud his subconscious for weeks. There was only one thing that could ease the pain.

He opened the door to see JJ on the couch, legs crossed an arm resting on her knee, lips against her knuckles as she stared aimlessly. She looks his way as he makes his way across the living room to the door.

"Where you going?"

"Nowhere."

"Spence." She moves in front of the door. "What are you doing?"

She gives him a look so similar to Lila's 'I know what you're thinking and you better stop thinking it' glare that it stops him in his tracks. "I just need some air, JJ."

"You don't need anything but sleep, alright? Now go to bed and I won't tell Lila about this."

He stares her down. "You don't understand."

"Not a clue, but I know that when this stops hurting so much, you'll realize that you made a big mistake that you can't take back. It's not worth it."

He knows she's right. He swallows difficultly. "I…"

JJ digs through her purse before pulling out a pill bottle. "Look, these are over the counter sleep aids. There non-addictive, so you'll be okay, I promise. Just take one and go lay down. When you wake up, take a bath, realize that this is not worth throwing you sobriety away for and then call your girlfriend. Go to a meeting or something. You'll feel better.

He looks at the pill she places in his hand. The irony that she's giving him medications in exchange of not going to get high isn't lost on him and he looks back up at her. He hasn't even taken Advil since he's been clean and now he's in-between stepping out the door, calling his dealer for a vial of whatever he's got or taking a sleeping pill and following JJ's instructions.

"What if I don't?" He asks but takes the pill regardless.

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**Author's Note (Part deux): Okay, I just wanted to make this clear because as I was writing, even I though. "Oh god, JJ, bad idea." And I still think it is, but I think that in that situation, she figured it was better than the other choice (and it definitely is, I agree) She is trying to help him and his sobriety. She is not trying to hurt him! And No, he is not going to get addicted to sleeping meds now, I swear. Please don't send me "Omg, JJ is such a bitch" reviews. If you really want to discuss her choice, PM me and we'll talk about it.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Title: Weakness (2 of 2)**  
**Pairing: Lila/Reid**  
**Series Information: 18 of LR DB Section. Following the two parts of Ghost.**  
**Rating: Meh.**  
**Summary: While Lila's in California, Reid has a bad case.**  
**Author's Notes: So, I told you what happened to the first version of this in the first part. Let me tell you how this is different than the previous version of this piece. In Necessary, it wasn't this sad! God, did Spencer bum anyone else out last chapter? That's why (some/most of) this part is a little more light-hearted. This conversation (with some changes obviously, because I don't have an eidetic memory) is from what would have been Necessary…and I think it's necessary (Hah, get it?) to mention that Lila does not know what's going on in Spencer's head (about almost going to use, about the fact he's doubting if they should really be together because he feels selfish, or his demons about Tobias that he still fights with everyday.). **

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Lila stares up at her ceiling. She wants to paint the walls. Who is she kidding? She wants out of this house. She stayed after the incident to prove to herself and everyone around her that she was a strong woman who wasn't going to let anyone get in the way of how she wanted to do things, but really… this house hadn't felt like home since that night. It hadn't even felt like home before then, if she was being honest. It's why she had decided to rent rather than force the owner to let her buy it. She had never been quite sure about California, anyways. She wanted to be a screen actress, she had always wanted to be in the movies from the first time she saw Gone with the Wind, but if she knew theatre was her home, it always had been. It's what she was really meant to do, but theatre actresses didn't get the same treatment of those of the screen. They weren't seen in the same light and she wanted to be known. Was that so wrong? And Plus Broadway was difficult to get cast into, anyways, definitely for someone who couldn't sing. No matter how good her acting chops were, most casting directors were looking for a great voice to match. Maybe it was worth the shot, though. To go back to New York, get in some off-Broadway plays, just to feel that rush again. The movie she had just finished was great and all. She had loved doing it. Canada had been beautiful. But something was missing. As she sat in her living room now, something felt like it was missing. She wanted to roll her eyes as her heart with to the fact that she was in California and Spencer was in DC. It had to be more than just that. She wasn't the type to throw her life away for a boy. Definitely a boy that could die so easily just because he went to work and did his job. God, She still couldn't get over that fact. JJ had called today and her mind had gone to the very worst of spots. She had to get it through her skull that Spencer knew what he was doing, that he wasn't going to put himself in harm's way, just to do it. He was smarter than that. But Penelope hadn't put herself in harm's way either and look where she had gotten.

Her phone rings and she's grateful for the distraction.

"It's Lila."

"Is that how you answer your phone now? It's very-"

"Spence." She cuts him off, smiling at his voice. He sounds okay. She hopes that he's doing well.

"I'm sorry I didn't call earlier, I-"

"JJ told me that you had gone to bed, that you had a bad case. How are you doing?"

He takes his time to answer. "I'm okay. I'm… better, now."

"Good. Did you take your bath?"

"Yea… I'm thinking about heading to a meeting tonight too." He says it softly and her heart breaks for him.

"That's good. That'll probably help."

"I hope so."

She doesn't know what to say. He sounded so lost. She chews on her bottom lip as her eyes move to the television. She had turned it on when she walked in but hadn't been watching it, too caught up in her thoughts. Some crime show is on, an angry cop-looking guy yelling at a scummy looking man in cuffs. She pulls her eyes away.

"I'm.. almost finished with the post production stuff. I'll be in New York soon."

"Not close enough." He mutters, under his breathe and she smiles as she moves her arm behind her head.

"Yeah, I know. Maybe JJ could set you guys up with a case in New York. I could sneak into the police department while Hotch is away."

Her eyes move back to the screen, watching the cop guy getting into the man's face.

He chuckles. "You wouldn't have to sneak in."

"Or maybe," she muses. "I'll commit to a crime and you can interrogate me."

"Why would you falsely commit to a crime? That's absurd."

She chuckles. "I was trying to be sexy, Spence."

"I don't-" he pauses, his mind taking a different turn. "Ohhhh."

She giggles. "You think they'd put me in cuffs?"

"I.. Would you want to be in cuffs?"

She grins at his words. "Mmh, I don't know, It depends. What kind of interrogation techniques would you use on me? Are you the type that gets all angry and slams your hands into the desk, scaring the guy into talking."

He chuckles. "You watch too many cops shows." He pauses after his words. "That's more Morgan."

She grins, her eyes closing as she imagines Spencer doing such things. He's too much of a sweetie to get that angry at someone, she thinks, but it's still kinda sexy to picture.

"You're right. You're probably…" She bites at her lip, trying to imagine what he'd really be like. "You probably just sit there, observing. Real quiet until you know that Morgan's technique isn't going to work and then you swoop in and surprise them into talking with all your knowledge."

He doesn't say anything for a moment. "Sort of." He eventually says, his voice soft.

She giggles. "I bet you look so sexy when you do it too. You always look so confident when you're talking about something you know a lot about. You get that little smug smile and everything. Drives me crazy."

She hears him chuckle and she's glad that he's at least not thinking about the case right now.

"You're too much."

"You know you never answered my question about the handcuffs."

"You didn't ask _me_ question about handcuffs, you were being rhetorical. " He counters.

"Would you want me in handcuffs?" She asks, not wanting to get into a debate about questioning with him.

"I… I don't think they would be necessary. It's not like you'd hurt me."

"Unless you wanted me to." She responds to him quickly.

"I…uh…" He stammers and she smirks.

"Oh, that got a reaction. You know that you can tell me anything, right Spence." She says it teasingly. "All about your dirty little fantasies."

"I don't have any dirty fantasies!" He says, quickly and she giggles before thinking about her words. She turns serious.

"…You do know that, right? Spence? You.. We can talk about anything. You can tell me anything."

"Are we still talking about sexual preferences?"

"That… or… anything. I don't want you to feel like you can't trust me with something. I want to know everything that you are. No matter how bad you think it might be."

He doesn't say anything for a few moments. He clears his throat.

"I, uh… I should go get ready for this meeting."

"Okay." She says, softly. "I love you."

"You too." He says, before ending the call.


End file.
